So much to blog, so little time...

I've been trying to sit down and write a blog for a few days now, but between the holiday traveling schedule, playing catch up at work, hosting a cooking class at my house this week and trying to get my bridal shower Thank You cards out, I just haven't had the time!!

So after EIGHT hours in the car on Wednesday, Brian, Cooper and I finally arrived in Ohio. Traffic was a bitch and it was raining almost the entire time. Cooper was great though; he just sits in his bed and waits until our destination, never saying a word. My Mom and step-Dad always get a kick out of having him in the house....it's nice to see them love the dog as much as we do. Now we know we aren't crazy dog people; it's Cooper's fault for being so gosh darned cute!

Thanksgiving Dinner was delicious! It was different not being at my Grandma's house but it was nice to create some new memories. Ted's sausage stuffing was to die for, as usual. I wish I would have remembered to bring some home with me!! After dinner, Brian and I headed over my step-sister's house to see all my nephews and niece. We brought our xmas gifts with us since we won't see them this year at Christmas. Brian and I were walking around the toy department wondering "What in the hell do kids like these days?" There are so many options! I didn't want to give them lame gifts, but all of the toys we selected seemed to be a hit. (wipes forehead). My niece, Breanna, is getting so big! She's one a half and walking all over the place. While we were there, she said her first sentence. Her Grandma asked her what she was doing to which she replied, "I dunno", without batting an eye. I loved hanging with the kids almost as much I love coming home to see how different they are. They have such personalities and they are so dang cute! It made me feel a little sad for not being in their lives more. :(

My Mom and I went to get mani's on Friday before my cousin's annual fondue party. The party was amazing and she was uber-organized with her different sauces, broths, cheeses and chocolates. We had a good time. The highlight of the night was looking through some old photographs of my Great Grandparents, Grandparents and their families. I couldn't believe how much my Mom and I look like my Great-Grandma! I always wonder why people in black and white photos don't smile. Why is that??? Were they told NOT to smile? I don't get it and never have.

Saturday was the big day! My bridal shower with all of my Ohio friends and family. It was nice to see everyone and I really appreciated the fact they came out during a busy holiday weekend. My Mom did a great job with everything, albeit she had to change the location at the last minute. The food was great, the cake was great and the company was even better. Poor Brian was there for the whole thing; what a supportive fiance I have!

After the shower, my girlfriends helped us load the truck with gifts and drop them off at the house. We then went out for a few drinks and some sushi appetizers at Sushi Rock. We ended up running into another friend who just so happened to be dining out with her husband and son so I got to visit with them for a little while. My friend was pregnant when I moved to Chicago and to see a little boy who is almost four was sort of surreal. I feel like Chicago is a time machine; every time I travel back to Ohio everything and everyone has changed so much. I digress. So after Sushi Rock, we went to Bar Louie and then ended up downtown at a myriad of W. 6th street bars. After I looked at my watch and realized we had been drinking for 11 hours straight, I rallied the troops and we went home.

I also have been feeling like I have the worst memory ever lately. While driving to my cousin's house, we passed an ex-boyfriend's house. This was a guy who drove with my Mom and my Grandma down to see my graduation from Marine Corps Boot camp in South Carolina. To drive 11 hours with your girlfriend's Mom and Grandma, one would think it would be pretty serious relationship, right? Well why can't I, for the life of me, remember how we met? I've racked my brain but can't remember at all. We went to different high schools so we didn't have the same friends. Then my Mom reminded me of something an old friend did to me a long time ago. I had, what I thought was, a best friend in this guy, Keith. Keith and I were inseparable throughout high school up until the time I went into the military. We got into a fight (and again, I can't for the life of me remember the exact reason or cause of the fight), but Keith put a lit cigarette out on my forehead. Seriously, that is a pretty violent thing to do to a friend and I'm baffled as to why I forgot about the incident. He had a baby with a girlfriend of mine and she was supposed to come to the shower, with their daughter who is now 14. Anyhoo, my Mom said "Isn't Keith the guy who put the cigarette out on your forehead?" That's something that shouldn't be forgotten, would you agree? Did I put it away subconsciously to avoid the pain it caused? Yes, we were kids and kids did stupid things, but he wasn't a violent person, so why can't I remember the events that lead up to that?

I really wish I would have kept a journal while I was in my early twenties. Lord knows I had a lot to write about back then! To say that I have not had a boring life would be an understatement.

Let's see......I joined the military at 17. I lost my 20 year old brother to a deadly accident. I got married. I got divorced. I dealt with racism first hand during my marriage. I dealt with racial violence. I had a father that couldn't decide whether he was In our Out. I gained 2 new step-sisters, then I gained 3 more. I opened my heart to them only to lose them in the end. I moved cross country...twice. I lived in 4 states. I dated someone with babies that were 2 years old and a 6 months old and tried on the whole "step-parent" shoes. I realized those shoes didn't fit. I finally severed the relationship with my father, for good.

Yeah, I guess I would have had a lot to write about. Did I mention that all of that happened before the age of 25?

I've seen a lot, I've been through a lot, I've been hurt a lot, I've learned a lot. Most importantly, I've loved a lot. All of those situations (and many that I did not mention), helped mold me into the person that I am now. That's what happens when "life" happens - you grow, you evolve, you learn.

Some say I'm strong, some say I'm abrasive, some say I'm guarded, some say I wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess I don't really fit a certain category, per se. What I do know for certain, is that I am who I am. I am not for everyone. I used to beat myself up for not being all things to all people. I've lost some people along the way who were very important to me. The loss was not totally in vain as I stopped to evaluate the situation and figure out the lesson to be learned. For each situation, there was, indeed, a valuable lesson. Those lessons have helped me put things in perspective, they've helped me try to be a better person (at least I hope they have).

One of the most valuable things I've come to realize is that the person you think I am depends on the person you think you are. It's really very simple. I have girlfriends who I get along with great and love to be with, but yet they don't like each other, for whatever reason. My personality fits with theirs but their personalities conflict. Isn't that interesting?? There are people that I cannot fathom to be around, but yet, others quite enjoy their company.

I guess once one figures this out, life becomes easier and more difficult at the same time. I guess it's all because of tolerance. I've tolerated a lot of pain in my life but that pain has left scars that allow me to sometimes see things for what they are and many times, it's more pain. The difference is how you react to it and deal with it. I used to try to disguise it and make excuses for it while trying to find a place for it in my life. But now, I don't disguise it. I see it for what it is really is......it's pain. Period. Even if it's dressed up, in a different form or unexpected package, it's still pain.

So back to the part how life became easier and more difficult at the same time. Now, if I see it, feel it or even sense it, I try to nip it in the bud. I don't have time for pain. I don't have the tolerance for pain. I try to make room for love in my heart, instead. Because once I removed the pain in my life, I found that my heart was empty and ready to be filled with love, joy, friendship and happiness with no strings. And ya know what? I had a lot of love to give once I got rid of my baggage!! Crazy how that happens, isn't it??

So it's easier to remove the pain and allow room for genuine love and most importantly, love for myself. Until 5 years ago, I never allowed myself to love ME. What's more difficult is trying to see the intentions of others for what they truly are. I'm constantly asking myself, "Are they honest? Are they real? Are they acting with good intentions? Is there a hidden agenda? Will they hurt me? Do they love me? Am I loved? Do I love them?" It's like there is a record playing over and over and over again in my mind evaluating every situation I'm faced with morning till night no matter if I'm on the train, at work, at home, etc. Brian tells me he doesn't know how I deal with it; but I tell him that it's just how it is. It's just my life. It's the cards that were dealt to me and the only thing I can do is to be at peace with those thoughts and accept them.

And I do accept them. (big sigh)

I guess I've gone on quite a tangent here; and an unexpected one, at that. What was going to be a quick recap of my Thanksgiving weekend turned into a mini-therapeutic session with myself. I guess the trip home really opened my inner-psyche to allow some deep self-evaluation.

If I haven't lost you by now, then thanks for listening.

PS - look at that! I have a journal after all!