5 Year Itch

I don't know if it's just that it's still 39 degrees in Chicago on April 28th and less than 2 weeks ago I was enjoying the hot weather in Mexico, but I definitely have the itch again to move.

I want to be in the warmth.
I want to be in the sunshine.
I want to jump up out of bed and go for a run or a swim or a bike ride and not put on a coat first.
I'm sick, sick, sick of the cold!!!!!!!!!

Let's take a look at where I've lived and when:

(I left for the Marine Corps when I was 17. )

1993 - 1998 Yuma, Arizona

1998 - 2003 Cleveland, Ohio

2003 - 2008 Chicago, Illinois

Do you see the trend here? Why is it that once that 5 year mark rolls around, I want to get the F out?

Please give me some sunshine and warm weather, God, please!

Screw signatures

Let's tie that guy's feet up and toss him over that hill to HIS death. That seems much more fitting than letting him see another day of light!!!!

I'm so pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disgusting!

I read on the net today that there is a video making the rounds on YouTube of a SMILING Marine who was videotaped throwing a puppy off a rocky cliff in Iraq to his death. His feet were tied togther with rope.

WTF?

WHAT THE F@CK????

WHO, I repeat, WHO could be so heartless to do something so God awful?

All I gotta say is that the Marine Corps should immediately give him a dishonorable discharge and I sure as hell hope that there are criminal charges for animal abuse brought against this D-bag.

We should start collecting signatures NOW to have this D-Bag kicked out!!!

As of this morning, it's still "undeterminded" by Snopes. Let's just hope it's fake!!!

Cranky

Throughout the entire wedding planning process, I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about myself, about my fiance, about my family and friends, about everyone really. I've been let down and felt disappointment in others far too often to the point that I'm left with a huge pit of uneasiness in my stomach. I wish I could just do it all but I know my limits. I know that I have to let go and let others handle their own responsibilities in this process, but I'm so tired of being disappointed. I'm tiring of having to fix things. I'm tired of having to do the things that do not fall under my list of responsibilities.

Sometimes I just wish we would have eloped. Sometimes I'm glad we are having a wedding.

I guess I'm just flooded with a mish-mosh of feelings not only about my own self reflection but also about others in my inner circle right now. On the bright side, my house will soon be filled with out of town guests ~ all of my friends from Ohio (mostly all bridesmaids) ~ and we are sure to have an awesome time this weekend for my Bachelorette party. They will put a smile on my face; that's for sure.

And for crying out loud, does anyone have any advice on how to get rid of a 4-day old headache?

Almost Forgot!

Jen just reminded me about...

# 8. (to add to the below mentioned list)

10 hours into the New Year, Brian and I headed over to my friends for a New Years Day brunch and we forgot to take our ski rack off our SUV and drove right through the gate at my friends garage in her building. Awesome! Literally started out our year with a Bang!

Smooooooth sailin'

We awoke this morning around 5:30am to the tune of B's phone ringing. It was one of his tenants. The pipe burst on the 1st floor unit of his 3-flat. He was able to fix the pipe himself (Good God that man is handy!!!) and he's over there now trying to dry the hard wood floors.

In case you aren't keeping score, let's run through the first 22 days of January, shall we?

1. Our furnace broke....twice.
2. The furnace broke in B's 3-flat
3. Our dog overdosed
4. My tire blew on my car
5. The pipe burst in B's 3-flat
6. B's company was bought by Bank of America (this could be a good thing, only time will tell)
7. It appears that my industry (food) is definitely heading into a recession

Hmmm. So that equates to every 4.4 days something terribly "fun" happening in our lives. Oh, alright. The first 4 happened between Jan 17th and the 22nd. So I guess that 4.4 number went out the window.

So as I see it, the rest of our year should be smooth sailin', right? Maybe, just MAYBE, we are paying some serious dues NOW so that our wedding might be free of flubs, mishaps and will be stress-FREE!! Yeah, that's it.


In other news, the City of Chicago is not having fun today, either. Check out the new lake on Montrose Avenue! That's a 25 foot (yes, you heard me right) sinkhole on a very busy north side street.

And Wall Street has already started out with a bang! Good times, good times....

NOT.

8, 6, 5, 1....and zero, zero, zero, zero

Come again? No, that is not some secret code that you should try to decipher so let me enlighten you, shall we?

8 is the number of cousins I have.

6 is the number of married cousins I have.

5 is the number of their weddings that I've attended.

1 is the number of their weddings in which I was not invited to (it was immediate family-only on the beach in Florida).

Do the math: I've attended every single wedding I've been invited to in my family.

So....

Zero is the amount of cousins I have attending my wedding.
Zero is the amount of aunts I have attending my wedding.
Zero is the amount of uncles I have attending my wedding.
Zero is the amount of grandparents I have attending my wedding.

It's a good thing that almost all of Brian's entire family will be representing us in Mexico. That makes me happy because that's my family now. Am I bitter about my family? No, I guess not...well, I guess that's a lie.....yes, I'm a little bitter. Even if we had the wedding here in Chicago, I doubt the attendance would be much different, or so I'm told.

I'm just glad I supported all of my married cousins when they wed. I guess when you're the 3rd youngest cousin, that's what I should expect, right? They all get married when I'm in my late teens, early twenties. By the time I get married at the age of 33, they all have families and commitments so my wedding doesn't even hit the radar on their list of priorities.

Well that's what I'm telling myself.

Hey, the good news is that my Mom, Step-Dad and their friends will be there. Even if my family has "other priorities" and I don't make it onto that list, we still have 60 people coming to our wedding. That's a big number for a destination wedding. I know it's A LOT to ask people to get on a plane and schlep themselves down to Mexico and spend a lot of money. It is, I get that. Trust me, I do. But it still stings, that's for sure.

If you are 0% away from a goal, has the goal been attained?

I am really looking forward to the next 11 days that will be spent out of the office.

Why? Because I feel very deflated right now.

I'm in sales. Sales people are incentivized by awards, recognition and of course, money. We have an annual trip called "Pacesetter" which is essentially a Presidents Club, Circle of Distinction or President's Council. If you hit a certain number in your sales, then you win this trip or take the money if you can't go. Those who hit it are typically in the top 2-5% of the company and we have about 4,400 sales people.

Yeah that's great, right? Too bad I missed my Pacesetter goal by...........

Wait for it.


Oh wait for it longer......





0.001%


Yep, that's right. That percentage equates to 455 bucks in sales. Did I mention my average fee is $22,000 charged to the client?

A week in Cancun (or $5,000) out the door. The real shitty part? I've talked to so many recruiters in other offices who in the past were 4k short, 12k short and one who was even $68,000 short and their bosses still let them win this trip. My boss? Not so much. I'm $455 bucks short and he said "A goal is a goal". Yes, he's right. A goal IS a goal and I wouldn't even go on the trip anyway since I'm getting married in Mexico 2 months after the trip will take place. But I have worked my butt off and put a lot of money in his pocket in the process. I AM a Pacesetter, regardless of winning the title. I have been recruiting for nearly 5 years and I am ranked 3rd in my office against guys who have been in the business 3 times longer than I have. The guy who was ranked 4th has been recruiting for 14 years. My point: I've held my own and I'm just really, really disappointed right now.

I guess good wasn't good enough this year. So there ya have it. That is why I am so ready to forget this job for the next 11 days and just enjoy myself. I'll try not to think about the fact that I was 0% away from a goal but the goal was still not attained.

And in March of 2009, I WILL be on the beach in the Dominican Republic. You can betch'er sweet ass on that.

The Poster-Family for Obesity in America

Look. I really wish this were a joke. Unfortunately, it's not.

This is the family Holiday Card for the Huckabees. Yes, as in Presidential-hopeful Mike Huckabee.

Even if I were a fan of Mike Huckabee and agreed with every single one of his political platforms, I would not vote for him. I refuse to elect a President for the United States who has a family that looks like this.

Do you think it's right to elect a heavy family (well at least 50% of them are heavy) into the White House to represent the fattest country in the world??

**If this blog offends you, then please refer to the above listed catch phrase.

Raise Your Hand

Raise your hand if you've ever screwed up a recipe.

{Awesome, I'm in good company.}

Raise your hand if you've ever screwed up two recipes.

{Oh. Okay. Just a few of you.}

Raise your hand if you've ever screwed up two recipes in one night.

{Okay, the numbers are dwindling.}

Raise your hand if you've ever screwed up two recipes after 10pm the night before a party.

{I'm feeling lonely now.}

And finally raise your hand if you've found yourself at the grocery store at 10:30pm on a Tuesday replacing all of the ingredients for your cornbread (I know! It's JUST cornbread and it's very simple to make!) and your eggnog (Cut me some slack, I just found out that you can make it and not just buy it).

{So I'm the only one?}

Yeah so sometimes my kitchen is NOT my best friend. Okay I can be honest. My kitchen did nothing to me....it's what I did to myself. I was hurrying. It was late and I still had a million things to do. So instead of slowing down and reading the recipe, I poured 8 cups of milk into my eggnog even though I already purchased 7 cans of evaporated milk and they were sitting right there on the counter in front of me. And when I read the recipe and saw vanilla I knew we had some vanilla in the cupboard....but didn't realize the recipe called for ONE QUARTER OF A CUP vanilla. I mean, come on! I've only used vanilla for baking and I've NEVER used more than a teaspoon. How was I supposed to know I needed that much?

And the cornbread. Yeah, let's not even talk about the cornbread. First I put the shortening in with the eggs and milk and started mixing.......and mixed some more..........and still some more.....but the shortening was just moving around in the bowl with the eggs and milk. Oh, hey! Look at that that! I needed MELTED shortening....

Well since I needed the remaining 12 eggs for eggnog, I had to drain my egg/milk substance into a colander and scoop out all the chunks of shortening to melt them. Seriously, I did this. My kitchen looked like a war zone and it didn't help that Brian was standing on the counter replacing our 3 pendants lights that shorted out on us this weekend. I couldn't tell if the counter was covered in sawdust or powdered sugar. Did it really matter?

Needless to say when the cornbread came out of the oven, it was so dry I almost choked trying to swallow a bit. It had no taste. Maybe I accidentally used sawdust instead of flour??

So on the 2nd time around I used vegetable oil instead of shortening and that seemed to do the trick. I was too tired to wait for it to cool off and try it, so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well with the chili tonight.

Oh, the lights look really nice! Brian did a great job!!

Sooner or later, I'll develop some SKILLZ in the kitchen.

Karma is a......

So the new gal started in our office over a month ago and she's doing pretty well. I like her. And I like the fact that she has a business arranging people's homes in the most appropriate Feng Shui form. I also like the fact that she reads birth cards on the side, too. Doesn't really match up with her right-wing political stance but that's why makes her unique; she doesn't fit a norm, per se.

Anyhoo, when she showed me MY birth card, I couldn't help but think that it was completely dead on. Let me share:

Six of Spades: The Card of Fate

(seriously, that's the name of my card!!)

This is a powerful card, and the card of a person who is here to learn the responsibility of such power. These people either align themselves to a higher purpose and vision and achieve great success, or have their power turned against them for their own downfall. As a rule, these people are very responsible for their actions but a strong Neptune influence can lead many of them down the road of escapism and time lost in fantasy. They are dreamers to be sure. They must latch on to the highest dream they can and use their power to attain it. Nothing can stop them once this vision is clear. Fulfillment on every level is guaranteed. They must watch a tendency to fall into a comfortable rut. They can also be very stubborn. Through the acquisition of knowledge they find great fulfillment, life purpose, direction, and many good friends. Some of their greatest challenges come in the area of love and romance. Their own indecision works against them.

That is a much abbreviated version, but it's the only free website I could find that will share birth cards. Anyhoo, what's not written here in it's entirety is the fact that I basically pay two-fold for the negative energy I put out there. More so than anyone else. Karma is quite literally, a bitch, for me.

So with that being said, I want to put something out there to the Universe that has been weighing heavily on me:

"I'm sorry, Lucretia Bonsak!! I'm sorry I called you 'LeCreature Ballsack' in the 6th grade. I'm sorry I gathered up the other kids in our class and got them to call you LeCreature Ballsack, as well. I was a dumb, heartless kid who was dealing with my own issues of insecurity and wanted the spotlight on anyone but myself. If you are at our 15 year high school reunion next year, I would like to tell you this. Hopefully it doesn't conjure up any old feelings and will be healing for you, too. If it does open up a wound, would the Universe consider it more bad energy?? Would I be dealing with more bad Karma again?? Would I pay for this later? Dang, Lucretia, Help me! What do I do????"

Universe, go easy on me. I let two people turn ahead of me at an intersection today and then I paid for the newspaper that a homeless woman ahead of me in line stole from Walgreen's. All before 8am. Hopefully that'll help????

Muncie???

Happy Monday to ya!

Brian and I headed back to my hometown of Cleveland this weekend for a wedding. We had a great time and everything was beautifully done and totally classy. The groom is a friend of mine from childhood; our parents were good friends and I used to babysit his little sisters. Talk about feeling old! These two little girls are now grown adults.....and I used to change their diapers!

We had some time to stop and visit my Grandma and also crashed my cousin's son's 3rd Birthday Party. It was nice to see some of the fam!

So while we were home, one of my family members probed Brian and I about our upcoming wedding in Mexico. The question was asked, "Why Mexico? Why not Chicago or Cleveland?" Brian responded to the question very politely by explaining that aside from both us wanting a beach wedding, it doesn't seem fair to one family to have it in one town, while the other family has to travel (He's from Chicago, I'm from Cleveland). This way, both families will be jumping on a plane for a quick 3 hour flight to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.

Secondly, if we got married in Chicago, we'd be looking at costs that would easily be 10x what we'll spend in Mexico. Thirdly, destination weddings are much easier. I don't have to worry about 75% of the details of the planning until we arrive that week.

Then the second question came from the same family member: "Why not do it in the middle? Like in Muncie, Indiana?" While my blood started to boil, I simply explained that I was not interested in getting married in Indiana.

But what I WANTED TO SAY was (yeah, you know this was coming):

"Have you met me? Do I SEEM like the kind of person who would get married in Muncie? (no offense to the city of Muncie, of course). Here's a newsflash: we are not getting married in Muncie, because this is OUR wedding. Getting married in Mexico is what WE want to do. We WANT to get married on a beach by the ocean. We are getting married for US, not for YOU. If we got married in Indiana, then it would be YOUR wedding, not OURS. If you would like to join us in Mexico, then we'd love to have you. If not, then we completely understand and you can CHOOSE not to come and celebrate with us and we'll gladly send you pictures."

It might seem selfish, but honestly, this is about Brian and me. This is not, "Let's bend over backwards for our family and friends and do what they want us to do to make it easier on them. " Sorry. It's about US and what makes US happy. And by the way, we are paying for our entire wedding; we are not asking either family for help foot the bill. If we did, then maybe they'd have some say in this. We are inviting over 135 people and are expecting about 50-60 in Mexico. There is absolutely NO way possible to please everyone and we are okay with that.

Go Figure

After my rant below saying that American's will die at a young age if we don't fight obesity, THIS report comes out hours later.

I stand corrected. American's are, in fact, living LONGER. This age, 78, is actually a record high.

The "Biggest Loser" is right!

Over the past two years, I've become entranced by the show, The Biggest Loser. It's a reality show in which contestants compete to see who can lose the most weight. I love it because no matter what, the contestants are constantly doing one of two things: crying about being fat or sweating it out in an effort to get thin and hating every minute of it.

This show really boils my blood sometimes. Last night, for instance, upon arrival to their desert location, the host tells them, "When you see your coach over yonder (and points out in the desert), you need to run as fast as you can to get to them. The first two people who cross the finish line will be a Team Captain and will each pick 5 members to join their team for the season. The rest of you, will go home tonight". Immediately, the look of defeat swept all of their faces simultaneously.

So when they take off to run, is it surprising that one female runs for maybe 30 seconds and then walks the rest of the way? Keep in mind her chances of being on the show are depending on it. So no, it's not surprising. Of course she complains and cries the entire time that if she gets kicked off she can't lose the weight alone, she needs this, yada yada yada.

The 6 people that were not picked to be on either team were secretly taken away to a remote location to work out for two weeks and will come back to compete as a third team.

So while these people were getting weighed in for the first time, almost all said, "Well, I don't know what I weigh because I avoid the scale. I'm afraid of what it will tell me". The next painful 10 minutes showed them tipping the scale at 400 pounds and mumbling through their tears, "How did I get this way? How did I let this happen?"

I just wanted to scream at these people and shake them fiercely and yell in their faces, "HELLOOOO!!!!!!! Let's see.......if you just eat and eat and continue to live your sedentary lifestyle, do you think you'll stay the same weight?!? You MIGHT want to think about getting on the scale once in a while to monitor your weight and when you HAVE gained a few pounds then MAYBE, just MAYBE you can eat a bit less and maybe take a walk?!?!"

I have a newsflash for these people: YES, YOU CAN DO THIS ALONE! It's called "Get some self control and take responsibility for YOUR health because your LIFE depends on it!!!" The absolute WORST part was almost ALL of these people were parents. Great! Just great! You know THEY aren't teaching their kids diddly-squat about healthy eating, cooking healthy, portion control or physical activity.

I know what you are saying. "Well, Deanna, you were in the military and it was instilled in you at an early age". Yep, you are absolutely-freakin' right. It was INSTILLED in me. And THAT is the responsibility of every single parent out there! They should be instilling a healthy mindset into their children's lifestyle. Go out for a bike ride with your kids. Go for a walk. Throw a football around. Take them to the neighborhood pool and swim. Go rollerblading. Take the dog for a run. AND STOP GOING THROUGH THE MCDONALD'S DRIVE THRU!

Diet's do not work, people. Reality shows that last for 3 months will NOT make you thinner and most importantly, HEALTHY, for the rest of your life. YOU need to take control of YOUR life and change your LIFESTYLE! It's a LIFESTYLE people! And if you don't want to change your eating and fitness habits then you WILL gain weight and you WILL die young. It's that simple!

America is the fattest country in the world and unless we start to take REAL responsibility for our actions, then we are going to be the youngest country in the world, to boot. I guess it's a real life Battle of the Fittest. Those who lose, will die. And those who win will be left to continue on.

Geriatrics?

So the first time I went into my new Primary Care Physican's office at Northwestern, I was a bit creeped out. When he walked in he made some polite converstion, asked a few questions about my medical history and then asked me if I had a regular ob/gyn followed by, "Do you need a pap smear or are you current?" Oh, did i mention he's 6'5" and not a day over 30??

"I'm current!", I practically shouted with my legs tightly crossed. I mean, who wants a guy down there younger than me poking around? No, thank you! I'd prefer a 60 year old man or woman who have seen at least a million va-jay-jay's before mine....not some kid right out of college who is still getting his {ahem} speculum wet (pun intended).

So the other day when I was waiting in Dr. Lavery's office I decided to peruse the little bio that was printed and hanging on the wall about him.

Turns out my new PCP specializes in Geriatric Medicine.

Grrrrreat. Just my luck. How in the hell did I miss this the first time?

So can someone please share with me why he asked if I needed a Pap smear? Ummm, wait. On second thought, let's not speculate.

Ouch

Well I'm back to work today after spending the past 3 days on my couch. I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me I had a viral infection so there aren't any drugs that can make me better. Even though my throat is still killing me, I came into work today. I probably would have stayed home if our cleaning people weren't going to be there all day.... the thought of trying to nap with a vacuum running isn't very inviting.

So speaking of "Ouches"....... it seems that there are 2 people very close to us that are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. One person is on Brian's side and he stood up in her wedding last year and one is on my side and I stood up in her wedding a few months ago. So what's the big deal?

Well first, let me say that I'm thrilled that my friend is pregnant and I'm so happy for them. After all, her husband is already almost 40 and I understand their timing. Doesn't make sense to wait. I'm a little less thrilled that her due date is 3 weeks before our wedding and she was supposed to be a bridesmaid, but I'm sure they'll be with us in spirit.

What I don't understand even more is the person on Brian's side. Our wedding is just over 8 months away, so it would seem that if someone is trying to get pregnant now, then they clearly have no intention of trying to make it our wedding in Mexico.

I guess it's kinda selfish to feel a little hurt, but we both are. We feel like our wedding is basically insignificant to some and considering that "some" are immediate family, it hurts even more. It's almost like, "Hey, thanks for standing up in our wedding, now we are going to get pregnant and we probably won't be at yours. No big deal, right?"

Wrong. It is a big deal. For us, at least.

Not to be a Debbie Downer...

Most of you know my brother died when he was just 20 yrs old in a motorcycle accident. That was 14 yrs ago last Friday. He wasn't wearing a helmet and he was reportedly speeding before he hit a car that was pulling out of a driveway.

What we never found out was why he was speeding. Was he just being a 20 yr old man excited to be driving a friend's motorcycle? Or was he being chased?

The first person on the scene was a guy by the name of Matthew Boczek. My brother's friends told us that he and my brother didn't get along and this guy was notorious for driving dangerously. Nothing could ever be proven, but it was highly speculated that Matt was chasing Dennis when the accident occurred.

My grandma found this in the local newspaper this week (and she is NOT happy about it).

This guy seems to really have some major issues behind the wheel. He was just found not guilty for trying to run 2 off-duty police officers off the road, head on. Seems as if the only reason he got off was due to the fact that no one was injured. His reaction to being found "not guilty" says it all. "Not guilty" sure as heck doesn't mean "innocent".

I'm not really sure how I feel about this new event.....all I do know is that we'll never find out the truth until I meet Dennis again. Something tells me that I should be angry that Matt has seen his 32nd birthday and my brother never made it to 21. But I'm not angry. I'm really sad for Matt. Hopefully he isn't acting out like this when he's 40.

Maybe one of these days he'll learn to put a value on human life, including his own.

Ill-mannered Manor & Free of Frugal Femmes

We had a bachelorette party for one of my best friends last night. We started out at a friend's house for gifts and drinks after the rain kept us from having the party on a friends boat downtown.

Earlier in the week, one of the girls had us put on the list for bottle service at Manor, one of the hottest new clubs. Upon our arrival, they could not find our name on said list and they were really not very polite in trying to accommodate us. After a few phone calls, they found our name and then proceeded to tell us that we could be seated at our table, but the VIP service was now a 3-bottle minimum. Yes, a.three.bottle.minimum. Even though there were 9 of us , we had already started drinking 3 hours earlier, and there was no possibility of us finishing 3 bottles of Greygoose.....especially at $300 a pop. So with gratuity, we are talking about a $1035 bar bill which is just insanity. We said "Well, we'll definitely buy 2, but we aren't going to get 3". The douche bag GM basically said, "Yeah, sorry, but that's not happening".

Now it's common knowledge in the bar business that having women in your bar brings the men and the men bring the money. In our case, you have 9 sexy ass women AND we are buying our own alcohol.....slam dunk, right? Well apparently not. One would THINK that a new club would want to make a good impression on their new patrons but that's strike two. WTF? Then he has the audacity to look at us and say, "Well if you don't want bottle service feel free to enjoy some cocktails at the bar". Since we were looking eye to eye (and I'm only 5'4"), I bit my tongue and didn't say, "Why gee whiz there, Napoleon, you are too kind! You mean you'll actually let me stand here at your bar, buy drinks and even CONSUME them in your fine establishment?" Strike three, you're out.

So we jumped in a few cabs and told them to pound sand.

We moved the party to Level where they gladly offered us a VIP table for 2 bottles of Greygoose. The GM constantly checked back with us to make sure we were happy and even when I told our server that our floor smelled like dirty feet (seriously), some young lad promptly showed up with a bottle of Febreze and handled the problem.

That brings me to my 2nd part of this blog.... I think it's pretty sad when a group of 9 women, all in their early 30's, are giving each other high 5's because not one person batted an eye and gladly forked over cash when we told them our bar bill was $700.

Without sugar coating this {because why would I do that?}, WHY ARE SOME WOMEN SO FUCKING CHEAP? It's just sooo exhausting to go to dinner, have drinks, do ANYTHING with a group of women. It's almost guaranteed that at LEAST one girl will say, "Well I only had a salad" or "I didn't have any drinks" or "I am not drinking tonight so why should I pay?". WHY, people, WHY?? What is so freaking hard about just adding the tip and splitting the bill equally? That's what you do when you go out with a big group.

We are grown adults. We are not in college anymore. If saving 5 bucks or even 20 bucks is that important to you, then here's a thought: stay home and save your money! Don't make it weird for the rest of us. Seriously.

So here's my plea to all women readers: don't be a cheap ass. Don't be that girl. Just grow up and split the bill equally whether or not you had an appetizer, okay??? I mean when is the last time you were at dinner with your elders and your grandma said "Honey, you had 2 more glasses of Chardonnay than I did so please don't add that to my portion". Yeah, didn't think so.

And now for a few pictures from last night:

Here's a picture of CT and I when we aren't all sweaty after a half marathon and that's the bride on the left with 2 of her bridesmaids.

The JC Nazi

No, JC is not referring to Jesus Christ. JC, in my current world, is Jenny Craig. Yes, I'm still on JC and have been since March. What can I say? I'm lazy. JC makes my life easier.....I go, I pick up my food, I eat it. Do you think I have time to make pancakes and sausage each morning? French toast with fresh berries? Cheesy Enchiladas that are less than 300 calories for lunch? Not "NO", but "HELL NO".

I lost about 14 lbs since I started JC and I've kept it off. I didn't really need to lose a lot of weight, but it's always easier to go into a race season lighter. Running long distances puts muscle on your legs and triathlon training always builds more muscle; it's just inevitable you gain weight during training season. So why start at a higher weight?

So that brings me to the ONLY downside of this program and that is Belinda the JC Nazi. Or should I say, "Baaaahh-lynnnnnn-duh" in my "Hello, Neuman" voice? Yes, that's better.

Belinda is the Program Director at JC and she's pissed me off so much that I've almost walked out three times (the only reason I stayed was the thought of me standing over a stove). After my initial 6 weeks and 14 lbs of weight loss, I had to meet with her to decide my next step in the program. The convo went like this...
Belinda: So I see that you haven't quite reached your goal yet, Deanna.
Deanna: Well, I made my goal 125 and I'm 129 and down to a size 2. I don't think I want to get much smaller so maybe I need to change that goal.
Belinda: I see. So let's discuss why you haven't reached that goal yet.
Deanna: Ummm, I'm pretty happy at the size I am now. I have a lot of muscle tone that accounts for my weight...ya know, muscle weighs more than fat. I was actually thinking of increasing my calories as my training season is starting and I will be burning more calories.
Belinda: Ri-iiight. Well do you think you'll hit your goal of 125 by increasing your calories?
Deanna: Ummm, AGAIN, I'm pretty HAPPY with my size and I think that GOAL should be CHANGED. {but what I was thinking was "WTF? Am I speaking too fast or should I slooooow it doowwwn forrr youuuu Belin-DUH?"}

So you get the picture. The girl actually looks down her nose at any client in the center as if they are a cow with a feeding trough around their necks. It literally takes every ounce of control to not shake her by the shoulders and say "Look bitch, I'm smaller than you are! Why the hell are you talking to me like this? YOU should be on this program, not me! I just come for the food, dammit!!! I'M NOT A FAILURE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HIT 125!!!!!"

{taking deep breaths}

Complaint #2: My wonderful JC consultant is this Aussie girl named Karin. I love Karin. She's down to earth, funny and she doesn't take herself too seriously like the JC Nazi. Plus she reminds me of Olivia Newton John as a brunette. We have the same feeling of extreme repugnance towards Belinda and dish about her all the time behind her back (I know, I'm going to hell but I'll see Belinda down there!!).

Karin gives me the little ordering sheet and I mark down all of the food that I need for the next 7 days. 2 of this, 1 of this, 3 of that... Well one day, Karin was sick.....and the only consultant that could accommodate me was the bitch that is Belinda. She's behind the counter and the convo went like this:
Deanna: Since Karin isn't here, I'd just like to order my food.
Belinda: Okay, would you like to weigh in?
Deanna: No, it's fine. My weight hasn't changed in 10 weeks so we can skip it.
Belinda: Well, that's why we are here. To help you stay accountable for yourself.
Deanna: If you think I need to, I can just jump on the scale while I'm waiting for my food and you can jot it down in my chart.
Belinda: Oh, well, a consultant would have to go with you to ensure it's accurate.
Deanna: So are you saying that I'd lie?
Belinda: No it's just company policy.
Deanna: Great, than I'll just order food, thanks.
Belinda: {With pen in hand and the sheet in front of her} Okay, Deanna, just go ahead and tell me what you want.
Deanna: Well it would much easier if I could just mark it off myself.
Belinda: Ohhhhh I'm afraid we can't do that. It's against company policy that clients write on the ordering forms.
Deanna: Why's that?
Belinda: Because you might order something that is out of stock.
Deanna: Oh, well why don't you just tell me what is out of stock and I won't order it?
Belinda: Because it's company policy and we can't do that.
Deanna: Grrrrrrrrr

So I grab the food menu and I pretty much made the next 10 minutes of her life the most annoying 10 minutes of her day simply because she basically asked for it. Hey, if she's gonna sleep better knowing she wrote down my order, then FINE. But I'm not gonna let her enjoy it. This is how the rest of the convo went:

Deanna: 1 french toast
Deanna: 1 turkey burger
Deanna: {long pause} 1 rotini w/meatballs
Deanna: How many lunches is that?
Belinda: 2
Deanna: How many french toasts did I order?
Belinda: 1
Deanna: Okay, make that 2. {long pause} 1 turkey with gravy. Hmmm, do I feel like potstickers? Sure. 1 potsticker {she marks the sheet}. Noooo, I just had that. Take it off. {she marks the sheet again}. Ah, what the hell, I can have it at the end of the week. Put 1 on there {she marks the sheet}. Make that 2 {she marks the sheet and a little steam leaked from her left ear}.
Deanna: How many lunches is that?
Belinda: FOUR.
Deanna: Oh, I thought it was five? Can you read them off to me?
Belinda: 1 rotini, 1 turkey burger, 2 potstickers.
Deanna: Didn't I order a turkey?
Belinda: That's a dinner item.
Deanna: Oh, but I eat them for lunch so I consider it to be a lunch item. How many french toasts did I order {heehee}?? Did you add the syrup?
Belinda: Yes, I did.
Deanna: Okay, well add pancakes w/sausage {she marks the sheet}. Did you add the syrup?
{more steam, but this time out of both ears}

You get the picture; this went on for a good 10 minutes and that ordering sheet was a hot mess by the time she had to key it into the computer. So the moral of the story: if you are going to try to control a control freak, you are going to get controlled, biatch.

Curb this

I emailed the Chicago Distance Classic and shared with them that the course appeared to be off......by almost a mile. Here is the response I received today:

Hi Deanna –

The course was certified by USATF as 13.1 miles. When a course is certified they measure it at the shortest distance possible, hugging the curbs, etc. When you run with 11,000 people you often have to go around people or take a curve wider than the person who measured the course, causing you to add additional mileage.
For your next race I would try to run as close to the curb as possible so you can get as close to the exact distance as possible.

Beth

In an effort to try to be a better person, I will not respond to Beth. However, I CAN tell YOU what I would say to her, therefore, making myself feel better about the situation.

Hi Beth!
Thanks for your timely response to my email. Your explanation definitely sheds some light on the situation and it all makes sense to me now. You see, in an effort to achieve a new PR while running a half marathon in high heat and even higher humidity, I inadvertently took each and every curb at the widest possible angle. Silly me, Beth! I really was thoroughly enjoying being out there with those 11,000 people, basking in the sun, drenched in sweat from the humidity, while my heart rate exceeded 182 bpm for 2 straight hours. I guess it never occurred to me once that if I stayed close to each curb when the course turned that I might finish the race faster, and ultimately SOONER. Who knew that you can add almost a complete mile onto a race course by just taking the curbs wide?

Silly me, Beth!

Please disregard my email and please, please don't feel the need to doublecheck this distance for the 11,000 runners that sign up next year. You just have yourself a fantastic day!

Warm regards,
Deanna